Once again I’m caught in the middle of a style crisis; on some days I want to be all pink and fluffy, and on others I want to be dark and witchy (so in gyaru terms it’s agejo/himekaji vs rokku gyaru). If I could ever win an award it would be for having the most indecisive and inconsistent style, a gyaru chameleon. Normally I would just go with the flow and jump at the opportunity to try new things but one day I got so sick of it that I behaved like a stroppy child and just sat with my arms crossed trying to figure out what to wear.
And then I did the thing. Y’know, the part where I would ask people’s advice hoping that they would say something that would make me feel better.
Thing was that they liked both which was kind of frustrating yet deeply satisfying. That’s when I realised that I probably shouldn’t have done that because no one actually cares about silly things like what I should be wearing today, and to be honest, I shouldn’t either, but here I am still asking for people’s opinions. It doesn’t just happen in terms of fashion but in life too – I’m too busy caring about what everyone else thinks that I dismiss my own judgement.
I wish I didn’t care so much as I do. I care so much that it consumes me and sometimes I don’t even know if it’s my gut instinct speaking to me or whether I’m just thinking of ways to go about life without upsetting anyone. Yet at the same time it seems like I don’t care at all because while I’m caring about everyone else I’m not caring about myself. I’ve neglected my being to satisfy other’s needs. I take on a lot more than I should and it’s overwhelming but I want to help out and if I don’t, then I’m a bad person.
But I’ve had enough.
This little body of mine and this little soul of mine needs looking after, and there’s no one better to fit the job than I am. If my whole body is crying out for rest than damn right I will be taking a break. If my mind is clouded with thoughts then I should listen to it and figure out a way to make the noise go away. Whenever I think that I should stick to one style then I will tell myself to shut up and that I can do whatever the hell I want. Because nobody cares, and I shouldn’t, either.
So I’ve compiled a list of things that I don’t want to care about anymore (just to make my life easier):
- My style – I should just do what I want, whenever I want. Clothes are a way of self-expression so I should just go with the flow
- My self-doubt – I need to stop asking for other’s opinions all of the time and trust my instincts more
- Toxic people – I have been trampled on all of my life by awful people and I’m sick and tired of it. If you treat me like crap, then LOL BYE
- Numbers/stats – This is the bane of existence in terms of blogging so I’d like to stop caring about that and just post what I want to post rather than post things that would get views
- The rain – random, I know, but this just popped up in my head when I looked at these photos (as it was raining on the day I took them). I always feel as miserable when it rains and act like a slob and I really need to get out of that mindset. The rain is actually quite beautiful!
Is there anyone out there feeling the same way as me? And to those who don’t… I’m proud of you. You have reached the point that I’m aiming for and I’m so happy for you. Here’s to the future me who is not going to give a damn about silly things! ♡