I’ve always wanted to be no.1; when I first joined gyaru I wanted to be the best gaijin gyaru in the U.K., and a few years later it changed to wanting to be the best agejo in the world. My aims were pretty high so I bought as many MA*RS items that my greedy hands could get a hold of, and for a time I believed that I was the best and that I was happy. I tried hard – perhaps too hard – and I called it the golden age of my gyaru life.
That golden age lasted a year, maybe two, before I started my downward spiral. Agejo began to slip away from my fingers and I felt my identity lose its grip. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I began to doubt myself. I loved agejo, so why wasn’t it making me happy anymore? I worked so hard to be the best but it just took the joy out of gyaru and made it into a competition. In the end I was left disappointed and dissatisfied.
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| Pic from Mily |
The next few years after that I began to battle new feelings: that I was starting to get boring and was no longer good enough for the gyaru community. So I shut myself off and threw everything into this blog. Those MA*RS clothes that I had spent so much on didn’t really see the light of day as I began to try new styles without really knowing what I was doing. My emotional levels were on a rollercoaster ride and I had absolutely no control over it.
All because of the idea that if I wasn’t the best, then I was nothing.
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| Me & my gals from QueenE! |
I got better, though, so there is a happy ending to this story.
I started to care less and just wore the clothes I wanted to wear depending on how I felt that day. Instead of looking at photos of other gaijin gyaru and thinking, “eurgh she’s stealing my thunder”, I think “oh my gosh she looks so radiant and confident in her gyaru style!” My attitude changed slowly but surely, and I started to feel comfortable about my own style.
But what has this got to do with the gyaru party? Why are there photos of it when I’m talking about a completely random topic?
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| QueenE gyarusa! Yes, I have returned as co-leader! |
Well, when I look back at my first international gyaru meet experience I remember having a panic attack in the hotel room right before the meet. I was so nervous and felt like I needed to look my best to be valued in the gyaru community, and all of the pressure that I put on myself was way too much. I’m sad to admit that I was more worried about how I looked than looking forward to meeting new people.
But fast forward to 3 years later I found myself stumbling off the plane in Paris with makeup that I had managed to do in little pockets of time that I had at the airport, and my hair in two overnight buns. I didn’t stress at all about how I looked – I was just eager to meet all of my friends! I was so much more comfortable in my style and I didn’t feel the need to try too hard to impress other people because I just wanted to have a good time. Photos were important, of course, but as long as I looked good and happy then I don’t care. I had an absolutely amazing time reconnecting with my international friends that it made me wish that I could pause at this happy moment and that I wasn’t so tired at the end of the day.
And that feeling beats being “the best” in anything.
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| pic from Akipoyo gyarusa |
Have you ever felt like this about your style? That you have to be over-the-top or ‘the best’ in order to be noticed? How did you overcome it?
Love,
Lizzie xx
P.S Big shoutout to Ethan & Noemie of Gyaransu gal unit for organising such an amazing event!