And in that moment I felt so alive.
I turned my face to check if my blusher was visible enough and of even vibrancy on both sides (it definitely was – I might as well have emptied the whole block of colour onto my face) and my eyes occasionally flickered up towards the beautiful lashes that framed them. Gosh, yes, it felt good. With one last slick of lipgloss my war paint was complete, and I was ready to tackle the world.
I remember the first time I ever wore makeup. I was in secondary school/high school and I desperately wanted to cover up the darker tone underneath my eyes that weren’t quite eye bags but weren’t exactly invisible, either. My friend suggested that I used concealer, so I nipped to my nearest Boots store and picked up a no.7 concealer stick. I used it everyday, and my confidence grew a little bit. My next item on my makeup quest was the pencil liner, which I used to draw so neatly (unlike now where my eczema makes it all go bumpy), and before I knew it I was on YouTube watching Michelle Phan’s makeup tutorials. I wasn’t very good at makeup, I must say, but even with my cakey concealer I still managed to feel amazing.
Then gyaru makeup came onto the scene and I was religiously wearing makeup every day until I started getting allergic to the makeup and my eczema was triggered. That phase was awful; I was so low and those months were just of me trying to embrace my bare-faced self. Luckily I was caught up in my university studies to care too much, but I felt like I had lost all connection to myself. Thankfully I discovered cruelty-free and hypoallergenic makeup, so even though my eczema and allergies still exist I can sort of live with them. My confidence boosted again.
related post: my love/hate relationship with myself
The thing about makeup is that it’s supposed to to accentuate your natural self, but I used it as a way to paint a newer, more confident self. Every time I put my gyaru makeup on I felt like I could take over the world and without it I felt incomplete. As if my face hasn’t reached it’s full potential without it. As if I haven’t reached my full potential without it. The made-up version of me is out there and having fun whereas the non-made-up me is at home watching Netflix or reading a book. Isn’t it strange how that works? How it can change your personality from an introvert to an extrovert?
Gosh I wish that it didn’t have such a huge impact on me. Like that time I was hanging out with some of my blogging gals in the centre of Birmingham, taking some quick pictures in the most beautiful bathroom (weird, I know, but if it makes you feel better it was very clean). But no matter how beautiful my surroundings were, I felt so ugly inside. I hid behind my camera rather than flaunt myself in front of it like I usually do at these kind of opportunities. My friends would say how pretty I was and that I looked absolutely fine, but I felt awful.
I don’t know how long I’ll feel this way and if my relationship with gyaru makeup will ever improve, but (as cliché as it sounds) it’s not the makeup, it’s me. I need to be more confident in my looks. I need to stop thinking that I’m a total loser without it. I need to make my relationship with makeup work. Because at the end of the day the only person who actually gives a shit about how I look is me.
What’s your relationship with gyaru makeup like?