It’s been nearly a year since I had my lil’ breakdown; I was almost going to abandon my blog but luckily Darla managed to slap that outta me and encouraged me to go back to my roots and blog like the good ol’ days. I’m not going to go into too much detail about this (as I already have a post about it) soooo I’m gonna’ dive right in to reflect what life has been like this past year!
Hey cutie! How are you? Just a really quick blog post today to give you an update on what’s been happening recently… To be honest, I’ve not been doing very well ｡ﾟ･ (>﹏<) ･ﾟ｡ Self-care doesn’t really exist for me anymore and I just feel so awful. I haven’t worn a sheet mask in ages, I’ve been eating so many snacks, and evenings after work seem to fly by and I never really have time to do anything.
I know what you’re thinking – Lizzie, didn’t you already write this post last year? And, well, yes, I did, and it took a lot of back and forth in me deciding whether or not to publish this new post, but the truth is that those goals suited the person I was a year ago. I have since then whittled them down and have truly aligned with the person that I really want to be. The Lizzie that I picture in my dreams.
This goes hand-in-hand with my discovery of Manifestation (AKA Law of Attraction) and now I write down my goals as if they were already true. Gosh the positivity I felt writing this was contagious. I began to believe that I could achieve anything. I stopped rushing to achieve my goals because I knew that I would achieve them when I’m ready for it. I visited the Elan cafe in Knightsbridge when creating this post and the timing was almost perfect. I just knew I had to publish this!
And so… Here goes!
And in that moment I felt so alive.
I turned my face to check if my blusher was visible enough and of even vibrancy on both sides (it definitely was – I might as well have emptied the whole block of colour onto my face) and my eyes occasionally flickered up towards the beautiful lashes that framed them. Gosh, yes, it felt good. With one last slick of lipgloss my war paint was complete, and I was ready to tackle the world.
Some days my relationship with myself is a good one. Sometimes I love how my eyes aren’t quite that shade of blue but neither are they green; that my legs look as if they are never-ending; and that my ability to pull the most stupid faces brings a smile to my husband’s face (or maybe it’s a oh-god-she’s-doing-it-again-grimace).
If you said this to me a couple of months ago I would’ve looked at you, gobsmacked in disbelief. Hustle less and live more? Definitely not! I used to believe that good things come out of hard work – and in some instances it is true – but I took it all too seriously. I started to compare myself to more “successful” people and thought that I wasn’t good enough. ‘I had a breakdown’ was an understatement as I found myself crying in my sleep because of how ‘unsuccessful’ I was while I was on my second honeymoon in Amsterdam. Yep, on a holiday where things should’ve been super romantic and carefree.
I knew that I needed to change my mind-set about my life and the way I view the hustle as the toxic thing that it really is. Hustling has become an obsession in our society and I got caught up in it all. So here’s how I’m trying to hustle less and live more…
Gosh, 6 months already. How and when did that happen? It seemed like only yesterday that I was walking (well, more like marching) down the aisle and became a wife that I can hardly believe I am writing this right now. So much has happened since then… So I’ve decided to put together a list of frequently asked wedding questions that you sent to me over on instagram and have answered them below. Enjoy!
I’ve never been one of those people who have had yearly goals, let alone 5 year plans, and so I’ve been going about my days without really knowing what I wanted in life. Sure, I listened to an endless amount of podcasts on growing my blog & Etsy store – helloooo Jenna Kutcher – but real, solid goals? Nah.
I didn’t think anything of it until I started feeling more unsatisfied with my current state. I had switched from my usual, happy-go-lucky self to a grumpy grandma who missed “the good old days”. I wasn’t shifting anything, nor progressing, and to put it simply, I felt like I wasn’t living the life I loved.
Did I really want to continue living like this? Being grumpy all of the time? Never being happy with where I am?
The first time I remember experiencing racism was when I was in primary school and my friends were tugging back their eyelids and saying look! They’re now “Chinese“. I didn’t understand at the time and just laughed along. Because they were my friends, they knew I was half Chinese, so they wouldn’t be racist, right?
To give you a bit of a background, my secondary school was 85% white (back then – my hometown is a lot more diverse now). I was fine in my first few years of it but one day a guy dropped the ultimate bad word, “Ch*nk“. I knew it was a bad word because everyone around me looked a bit uncomfortable and said nothing. And from then on he kept dropping it, and even in Science class he said how he wished all Chinese people to be jetted off to Mars because you know, “they’re all bad people because they’re causing so much pollution [sic]“.
And so began my journey to hating that part of my identity and wanting to bury it forever. Wanting to be like my friends and abandon my Chinese side. Anything so that those awful people would leave me alone.
Annoying white band: Courtesy of our hotel
It took me years and years to accept who I am, and I found love in that part of myself through the internet. I was on Bebo one day when I realised that there was a group/page called “Proud 2 b A$ian“ (or something along those lines). There were photos and posts made by other asians speaking out their love for their culture so I joined that one, and then another. It sounds cheesy but the more I witnessed their love, the more I learnt that this part of myself can be loved. It was as if I had thrown off my mask and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders.
This simple act of seeing other people being happy with who they were on a social site completely changed who I was. I slowly grew back into that half of my identity, and began to delve deep into that side of my culture. Sixth Form was of more open-minded people; people had started to grow up, that guy didn’t make it to college, and I was happy. The building bricks of my identity was slowly forming a battlefront, and I was ready to call out whoever dared to be racist.
After years of subtle abuse, I was proud to be me.
So when I experienced casual racism at uni when my friend called me “China” in a somewhat malicious tone I didn’t hide away, I told her to go f*ck herself and turned my back on her. I don’t remember her apologising, but it worked. She never called me that again.
And when a stranger made fun of my Chinese family’s name at my friend’s party I called him a f*cking “James Blunt”. I didn’t need any support from my friends – they didn’t really help anyway – and I was ready to throw a punch at him if I wasn’t so lazy of a person (or a chicken). Fighting physically is definitely not my strong point, so I was satisfied in just doing it mentally and gave that dick the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening.
I will not allow anyone to make me feel ashamed of myself ever again. I will not let them reduce me into believing that a part of myself is strange, “exotic“, even “alien“.
If you have ever experienced racism in your life then I’m so, so sorry. It’s something that no one should go through. Be proud of your own culture, talk about it as much as you want, and don’t let anyone get you down.
Be proud of who you are.
It was the late summer of 2016 when I discovered that there was a thriving blogging community on twitter. I had been blogging for around 6 years by then but yet I felt like such a newbie when I began to have a good look at other blogs outside the ones that were already on my reading list. I mean, these were really good blogs. Their content was great, their photos were top notch, and all around they seemed like they really knew what they were talking about. Then I discovered another blog, and then another, and before I knew it I was hooked.